Hockey Recap

Hey hockey fans! Here's a long-awaited blog....you'd think I'd find the time to do this more often since my involuntary retirement, but being Laura is a lot of work...

Ok - first - the Seattle game on October 25. Have I mentioned how much I hate Key Arena, the Thunderbirds, but most of all the Seattle fans? That was just about the ugliest hockey I have seen the Tips play - no focus, no plan, and what was with Kyle Beach and Taylor Ellington's fake moustaches? Seriously - I would have put them in the penalty box just for looking stupid.

But yeah - here's the recap of Tuesday's game against Tri-Cities: WORST REFS EVER! Smith totally sucked and the Linesmen sucked too. The only good news was that their bosses were in the stands watching them - maybe we can hang out once they are involuntarily retired too!

Great game, except that everytime we scored, the Tri-Cities scored too. We would score a killer goal and then they would answer. And you think that having the refs on their side would have helped them win the game - but no - we did it. We tied the game, held them off during OT and then yes - my new fav - Kellan "Tater" Tochkin (#16) won the game - especially sweet since Pickard (the Tri-Cities Goalie) would skate off and thump his chest for every shot he blocked.

And yes, fans, it was me who called into KRKO and announced to the world my new nickname for #16 - Tater Tochkin - and the guys loved it! Hockey Tom and Leo (who was grounded by his girlfriend from the hockey game according to Tom) won't let me ad-lib any heckles, but even Hockey Tom slipped and yelled "Nice job, Tater"....see, I'm like that - I eventually get to you and ya have to love me!

So, I'll be signing autographs at the next game during the periods out in the smoking section - please line up in an orderly fashion and have your $20 cash ready - no checks or credit cards please!

Joe Jobs

Have you ever thought about quitting your job and just getting a "Joe Job"? The definition of a JJ is a no-brainer job that you would love to do instead of the work you are doing now.

My work-husband's wife (Mai) says she would love to work at Blockbuster. Just ringin' up people - handing them their movie - then sending them out the door.

My JJ is delivering flowers...who doesn't love getting flowers? You knock on the door, hand someone some beautiful flowers, get the "OMG - they are gorgeous!!!" then leave. And just like that, you've made someone's day...isn't that a great thought? If only it paid $100k a year...

My next secret JJ is this - doing the Bumper Music for the Silvertips Game. If any of you have connections - this would make a great gift for the 7th day of Laurakah this year (mark your calendars 2/7/09).

Here's the changes I would make to the music played at the Tips' games:

1) No more "Kung Fu Fightin'" - that song was stupid when it came out - it's stupid now.
2) No more "Cotton Eye'd Joe" - we live in the freakin' Northwest, not the South...
3) I'm bringin' back the MACARENA...yeah, deal with it.
4) More AC/DC
5) Instead of "Kiss Me" for the Kissing Contest, it's gonna be "I Kissed A Girl" from Katy Perry - I'm turning Comcast Arena into a big ol' lesbian fest. The guys will love it!
6) Funny clips from cartoons - "Zoiks" and "Rah Roh Raggy" are funny fillers when the ref bites it or the other team does something stupid.
7) No more "Put Your Hands Up in the Air"...whoever made that song has made enough damn money for the stupidest song ever written.
8) I would dedicate "Hit the Road, Jack" to the Foghorns at least once every game.
9) I would play the "Head On, Apply Directly to the Forehead" commercial clip when a player gets a sweet check put on them (the other team, of course).
10) I would play more 80's music...we all know it - we all love it.

So, those are my JJ choices - what are yours??

Hockey Weekend Recap!

Hey fans! It's been a while. I didn't realize my readership was jonesin' for some bloggin', so I solemnly promise to post often!

Ok, so I'm having a hockey hangover. Randy and I went to 8 games, a rookie scrimmage and a team scrimmage...the days kinda run together, but let's see what I remember...

Scrimmages:

Seriously, Kyle Beach starting a fight with Jordan Mistelbacher in a scrimmage game? Who does that crap? I'm sure no coach has ever said "Hey, if you get pissed off, knock the crap out of your team mate". Urgh...I REALLY hope he learns to shut up (maybe when he does he can teach me a thing or two???)

Friday Night:

SO good to get the gang back together...KIRO Dave brought an adorable date (his daughter) and everyone (except Hockey Tom who is at a International Doilie Convention in Denmark) and Bill and Tina (who were visiting with family) showed up. It was a good game - nice to see a different team take the ice and play hard, but we lost...although that didn't stop the crew from giving me a ration of crap!

Saturday Night:

Dinner at the Flying Leo for Barb's "Best Becanic Bag" award presentation, but Leo couldn't be bothered to show up...hmmmm...wonder if he was busy hanging out with his BFF Mucha from Portland....but the best part was Albie's toast to me for "Getting Rid of the Foghorns"!!! Let's list the top 3 things that are good about that...

1. No more off-key renditions of the Canadian and US National Anthems.

2. No more random and idiotic remarks about the Section 119 crew.

3. No more looking up the shorts of a fat slob who appearently can't afford underwear!

Wow - was Section 119 in rare form that night or what? Leo and KIRO Dave started heckling the T-Birds goalie (Pickard)...little did they know that Pickard's big brother was in our section...when the period ended, Big Brother came over and told the boys to leave his lil' brother alone - BIG MISTAKE. That only encouraged our group...as if they hadn't chased off enough of my day friends...(BIG shout out to Deb and Deb and Kimmie - LOVED LOVED LOVED hanging out with you guys!!!)

The Tips looked good - and it was nice to score so many goals to shut those damn T-Chicks fans up!!!

Sunday:

The posse was back together - sans Leo, Barb, Albie and the Dickson's...so my buddy James decided it was his turn to give me some crap....

Tips looked awesome but totally fell apart during the 3rd period...totally fell apart.

The good news? Holy Hot Chilliwack Coach, Batman...

I'm SOOO ready for hockey season!!! I'm still trying to get my cub reporter Randy to get me the scoop on why Mistelbacher and Kieffer are gone (how bad does that suck? I have Kieffer's jersey - or should I say "He has MY number"??? Stay tuned for breaking news...

In Summary:

1. Foghorns are gone.
2. Leo is funny without his better half, Tom.
3. Barb rocks - the jury is still out on Albie.
4. Kim and James are the best.
5. KIRO Dave still has the best heckles.
6. Mistelbacher and Kieffer are gone.
7. Kyle Beach looks good but needs to learn to shut up.
8. Chilliwack's Coach is hot.
9. I reconnected with some Sno. County buddies.
10. I had a great weekend!!!

When I Rule The World

I have often said that when I rule the world - (only for one year - the world couldn't handle any more than that) there would be certain changes. Below are my list of top ten changes:

1. Double-wide strollers would be outlawed. How rude are those things? Especially when shopping...just stack your kids one behind the other like our parents did...we turned out ok, right?

2) It would be illegal to be stupid. Stupidity will get you a ticket and eventually land you in jail (while you're there...say hi to my family and friends).

3) My face would be on $100 bills and $1 bills. The rest of the bills are up for grabs - just let me know what bill ya wanna be on and I'll hook ya up!

4) There will be mandatory makeovers. No excuses - after all, you don't want a ticket from the fashion police, right?

5) Laurakah will be an official international holiday. (I'm thinking it already might be since I gave an official "laurakah cowbell" to a kid in Canada at a hockey game last year - stay tuned!)

6) Roman numerals will be outlawed. They are sooooo last century.

7) Walking in a crowd will be taught in schools. But let's start now - walk like you drive - to the right. Do not stop in the middle of traffic. Stay in a straight line...swerving = bad - walking at a steady pace in a straight line = good.

8) All ATM/payment machines in stores, etc. will be uniform - no more trying to figure out when to swipe your card. If someone else makes it to queen before me - you can steal this idea - PLEASE!

9) Fireworks will be banned except by professionals. I'm sick and tired of putting buckets of water around my house and hiding with my dogs on the 4th of July. My neighborhood has a bunch of cops and firefighters who are pyros! You want fireworks? Light a $20 bill - that's the equivalent to spending your money on fireworks.

10) Minivans? Gone. You have kids? Get an SUV. No man ( or woman) has EVER EVER looked cool in one of those. So park those stupid boxes on wheels and get yourself an SUV - and don't whine about the gas - if you can have 3+ kids, you can afford gas....

Soft Addictions

Hi Friends! It's been a while - I've been out of town, working a lot and being a big ball of stress. Which leads me to my topic...soft addictions.

I was at my BFF's 40th birthday extravaganza in Reno, NV when I first heard the word applied to me. My new cell phone was not connecting to the internet and I was seething about not being able to be plugged into my world. Between juggling a diet coke and fiddling with my cell phone, I guess I was not my usual fun self...

It's one of those things - I gave up drinking 14 1/2 years ago but replaced my addiction with work. But in my defense, what's worse?

I do my work with a lot of passion - I consider it my greatest strength and biggest weakness. I am one of the very few people who actually get paid to do what I love. And yes, I'm one of those idiots who would keep my job if I won the lottery...although I concede that I would probably get fired by doing something stupid like offering a co-worker $1000 to shut the hell up.

But lately it's made me into someone who is constantly pushing to get more and more done. It has become harder and harder to 'unplug' from my job, my computer, my cell phone, and from constantly turning things over in my mind. Modern technology has made me it's bitch - I can't get away.

Why can't I love exercise (although I had a great golf game not too long ago)? Why don't I love to do anything besides work, shop and read?

It's time for hockey. It's time for me to yell at Becanic and tell the other team that they 'still suck'. It's time for me to rush through the day anxious to get to the stadium to see my buddies.

Did I really just wish for summer to end?

This One's for the Girls...

Ok guys - this one is for the girls. I know you men out there read my blog because my co-worker actually bought me a "Cougar" sandwich for lunch. But this one's for the girls. You've been warned.


I feel obliged to share some tips with my girls. This may surprise you, but I don't wake up lookin' like a dime piece - it takes some wallet lettuce to look this good - and a little effort (how much do I love my Modern Slang Dictionary??).


Let's start with the basics: I have always believed that I am the most important person in my life - think about it - without me, there is no mother, no daughter, no sister, no wife, no friends. So it's my duty and obligation to take care of myself. And you can post all you want about being vain and shallow - and I will delete it. It's a fact that American culture is based on looks. So taking care of yourself says that you care about yourself - other people should too.


Hair:


It's the one thing you really can't hide. This is important. Don't dye your own hair - and don't cut it either. And if you are going gray, consider moving to a lighter shade than your normal color. There's nothing worse than 2 or 3 inches of gray roots - it looks like mold growing on your scalp. Do me a favor and go find a picture of yourself 10 years ago - I'll wait.


Got it? Ok, now answer this - is your hairstyle the same? If so, you need a change. This is one area that it pays to consult a professional.


Eyebrows:


Thicker eyebrows are in - they make your face look more youthful. It is well worth the money to have a professional do a wax. It's like an instant facelift - trust me - and be sure to thank me when you see me next.


Eyes:


Beside my bed I keep Arbonne's Re9 eyecream (e-mail me for where to get it - my BFF's Sister sells it). This is the gold standard and not as expensive as the stuff they try to sell you at the Department Store. I also keep Neosporine - I rub it on my cuticles, elbows and lips before bed.


My new favorite stuff is mineral makeup. Arbonne has a great line and Bare Minerals is really good too.

Get measured for a good bra. Having the right fit will make you look like you lost 10 lbs. And finally, the Bra Goddesses are listening to me - they are making larger bras that are actually sexy (this is a personal issue with me - I mean you would think that the fact that millions of women spend thousands to get implants then have to wear ugly bras? This has pissed me off for years).


Shoes:


Don't buy cheap shoes. They hurt your feet. They look cheap. Even though you think you have to wear ugly shoes for comfort or foot problems - YOU ARE WRONG. Sofft makes some killer shoes that support your arches and I could run a marathon in mine (yeah right - come on - that's exercise). Don't buy cheap shoes.


Pedicures:


Seriously - don't show off your gnarly toes if you don't take care of them. It's around $20 at any nail shop in a strip mall. Pay the money and get those calluses taken off! You will thank me for this.


So, these are just the basics for you - and men - don't think you're getting off the hook. I will be posting info on the basics of manscaping. You've been warned.

Tool Belt Diva

I guess I watch too many home improvement shows - you know 'Tool Belt Diva', 'Trading Spaces'- shows like these designed to make you feel like you can whip out some tools, drywall a room and refinish your hardwood floors in a day.

Before I tell you the great vacuum fire story of '08, here's a little background...

1) 2007/2008 has been the year of major purchases: we have had to replace a lot of appliances because they quit working - we bought a fridge, a stove, new washer/dryer, new sunglasses - you know...vital stuff to keep your house working.

2) When I got married, I got a valuable piece of advice from woman who had been married for 30 years. She said that whenever she wanted something done in her house (say hanging a curtain rod) and her husband wasn't doing it, she would go grab the biggest tool in the garage (say a power drill)and start just drilling big holes in the wall until her husband got up and did the job...keep that in the holster, girls, it works!

3) We have 3 dogs (all named after Presidents...Jackson, Teddy and Madison). Jackson is a chow/german shepard and if you didn't know Spring or Fall was on the way, you would know by the shedding of his coat. Chows have a lot of hair - and Jackson sheds in clumps. Huge clumps all over my tan carpet....

So, we have a vacuum that has been doing a lot of duty picking up huge clumps of dog hair and all the stuff little Madison brings into the house to chew up from the yard. It's not an expensive vacuum, but it's worked hard and I faithfully replace the bag and hoses to keep it going. The other night I changed the bag and started vacuuming. It made a funny noise, but hey, you just keep going, right? It decided to stop working so I flipped it over and discovered a bunch of gunk wrapped around the roller. I got my sewing scissors out, cleaned out the stuff, and plugged it back in to marvel at my work. But it didn't go - the motor sounded stuck. I gave up and went to bed.

The next day I decided I was going to tackle this project again - after all, my carpet looked like crap and I watch the shows...I can do this, right? Yeah...with Randy looking on, I got the phillips head screwdriver and took the bottom off the vacuum. Looking like I knew what I was doing, I messed with the belt and blew some dirt off the roller and pronounced it fixed! I plugged it in preparing to wow my husband - and the damn thing started smoking. Now, if I were my mothers' daughter, I would tell you that flames were shooting out and I bravely smothered the fire and saved my house from ruin. Except the real story went like this:

Randy - Take that outside now - not on the deck - on the cement in case it bursts into flames.
Me - Let me unplug it
Randy - NOW
Me - I'm going (I took it out front and put it on the cement walkway)
Randy - For future reference, if a motor doesn't want to turn, don't make it
Me - I was trying to save us money
Randy - Nice work - go get a new vacuum

The house was filled with a putrid rubber smell all night and I froze my butt off with all the windows open - my punishment for my foray into home improvement. The story of me buying two vacuums the next day because the first one I bought didn't suck is for another day...

I think I'm going to stick to just watching the home improvement shows and only practicing the stuff I learn on "What Not To Wear"...